What grief has taught me?

This will be a really personal post, and I really don’t plan to write anymore like this. People keep telling me that I’m a really open person because of my social media accounts, which is true, but also it isn’t. I chose to share the content of them, and I chose to share happy, positive posts, with the occasional sad, angry or even annoyed training posts.

But there is a side which is totally hidden from most people. Why? Because I made that choice.

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So what is grief?

Frustration, sadness, conflits, loneliness, arguments, isolation, outbursts, tiredness, rage, despair, denial, negativity, pain, depression etc.

All of these, but in the same time none of them.

It’s Emptiness , that’s definitely the biggest one.

I’ve spent the first few months with crying , day in and day out.

The hardest part was to be with people and just ‘ look okay‘ even though you wan’t to look anything but okay. Learn to fake a smile and just continue your life like nothing happened. They are not bringing Luke’s name up , and I see when I do mention his name they do feel really uncomfortable. Probably because they have no idea how I’ll act?

I always thought that I grown up at the age of 22 when I left Hungary and moved to England with 1 suitcase and a few hundred pounds. How wrong I was. I’ve grown up at the age of 30, when I had to make so many uncomfortable phone calls to people and to companies and figure out how to continue.

I’ve grown up when I had to make massive decisions by myself and I had no-one to ask if that’s a good decision or not. I’ve grown up when I turned down a great job what I always wanted, why did I even interviewed for it 3 weeks after the funeral(??),  and I definitely grown up when I realised I shouldn’t care about other people opinion. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, want to unfriend me, and walk past me without saying hello, then it’s totally their loss. I really can’t change the past unfortunately.

• What grief has taught me?

That I am so much stronger than I ever thought I’ll be . Because being strong is my only option. I could probably spend hours/days/weeks/months sitting and crying on my sofa. But that doesn’t get me anywhere and life is definitely goes on.

• What grief has taught me?

I learned that I had spent way too much time worrying about things that didn’t really matter at all.

• What grief has taught me?

That even though family and friends told me at the funeral that ” I’ll be there for you,” they are nowhere to be seen. Like I never even existed.

• What grief has taught me?

Random people keep showing up in your life. Like I have my “nail lady,” my ” hair lady” and my ” beautician lady” and to my surprise they are all here for me. They are not judging or questioning my decisions. They are here for me with all their hearts.

• What grief has taught me?

What grief has taught me is that I will never be the same again, and thats neither good or bad. Everything from now on will happen because you are not here.

• What grief has taught me?

I can use my pain for good. No one know how long their life lasts. Grief has taught me to concentrate on myself more  and work hard to reach my goals. I had 2 awesome job interviews which got me my dream job. I never felt more focused about my training , ever. I might live till I’m 100+ years old , but I might only live till tomorrow. So everything I do, I want to make sure that I’ll do it with the best of my ability now on. I managed to alter my mindset to concentrate on things what’s important to ME and to produce a better outcome of my life.

“When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time–the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes–when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever–there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”

John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

Grief is hard, it sucks and it’s totally unfair. But life goes on, and yes I so wish I could change the past, but it’s totally impossible. But in the past few months I have learnt so much about myself and that is awesome. The road ahead is definitely will be a bumpy one but I promise you one thing, that I’ll handle it to the best of my ability.

Loads of love,